Confessions of a Cheater

All feeling has escaped from my body, and my lungs burn, as if oxygen was flammable, like the day he kissed me, where I felt like I tasted every emotion in his body just from our lips touching. But this time, it's not that good feeling, where the butterflies are rushing excitedly and my heart can barely stay cradled in my ribs.

The words are too dangerous to let escape from my throat. My saliva is like gasoline as I swallow, spreading the wildfire to the tongue I attempt to use to form the words I so desperately want to say. His face is warm as he leans in close, his aroma that should usually be comforting seemingly drowning me; his arms are shackles as they wrap around my body lovingly. His voice travel like floating music notes, and when it hits my ears, I just can't believe what I got myself into. "The last time you took this long to tell me something, it was bad... Is this bad?" I can't meet his eyes and every time I attempt to lock gazes with his blue stare, my head seems to twitch and I lose all memory of how to move. Cinders burn the top of my tongue as I speak the words, "I am a cheater." His face is puzzled, covered with disbelief, and once I see the tears forming along his eyes with the little light we have around us, I know there's no going back. I am practically naked as I sit on the porch, the stone slab I sit upon scraping my thighs and the rocks feeling rough on my blistered toes. I'm only dressed in a navy blue shirt of his. The shackles he had around me unlatch, and I'm ironically longing to be imprisoned again. Before I can even think about speaking another word, he promptly stands up, and, without even turning to look at me, he begins to walk into the darkness, the canopy of the trees dappling his gray shirt. I bite the skin off my thumbs. It's something I do when I am stressed. I am eating away my skin like it's the only food left on Earth. The shaking of my legs is so unbearable I don't know if I can walk. But each time I step I start to remember what it's like to walk. He's still in my line of sight, his fluffed blonde hair a dead giveaway underneath the street light. I am in a horror movie. This can't be happening. The touch of my hand grabbing his arm gives me static. His arms have always been so broad, muscly, and sexy to me... but today I just don't have any emotion but remorse to enjoy the little things I love about him. "Josh..." I begin, and it feels like his name is foreign. He turns, his face disfigured with a darkness I have never been able to see before. "I'm sorry," I manage to choke out. "I really am... I wasn't thinking when I did it... I didn't have any sexual feeling or any other emotions for him..... It was just texts... it was never anything physical, and we didn't exchange pictures." Speaking clearly doesn't calm him down. I hug him, but his arms don't feel comforting and secure anymore. They feel like battering rams against my shoulders. "Get the fuck away from me," he retorts. I don't have any confusion. He is turning into a fierce, forceful person. The opposite of what he is really. But I created it. Tears are warm, like blood, against my cheeks. Lately they're a reassuring feeling. They make me relieved I am still capable of human emotion with all the selfish, devilish actions I have had lately. He steps out of the light and into the road, his shoes kicking aside loose stones, and I slowly brace myself as I walk out into the road, stubbing my toes on rocks and scraping my feet. "Let's talk about this...please..." Tip-toed so I can reach his lips, I pull his face close to mine and give him a kiss, even if his teeth are gritted and he's trying to fight it. This was never something I thought I'd do. "I'm so fucking sick of talking, Lina. I am absolutely sick! I mean, what the hell?! Am I not enough for you? Do I not give you what you need?" I struggle to find the right words. "You're perfect... I was just being selfish... But I can fix it if you give me a chance.." I wrap my arms around his neck quickly before he can push me, but his arms are at his side and not willing to hang onto me. They're like long wilting branches of a tree that's not capable of life any longer. He's lifeless. But it's understood why. My cheeks are swollen and my eyelids sting from the amount of tears that have been spilling out of my eyes. Forceful kisses, one after another, in the dim light of the streetlights and struggles to hold on to him as much as I can. The shadow of a man shifting in his front porch chair makes us move to the fence on the far side of the road. He speaks after a long moment of silence. We're still unable to look at each other. And I just feel like jumping off the bridge a few blocks away. But what will that fix?

"I swear to God, Lina, if you ever do anything like this again, I swear I will walk away and I will never come back."  He slumps down on the grass, his head rested on his knees and he's crying again, his back rising with each silent sob. I curl up beside him, just one touch of his chest against my head giving me so much. I sit up and start kissing his neck, trying to make things better. "I'll fix it.." I say in between pecks on his succulent, addicting neck. "I will... I'll fix it..."

"I just don't understand why you did this." There is still anger in his voice, obviously.
"I was just being selfish. I didn't feel horny or anything when I did it... I did it because I can't have you right now. We're with my family."

"So all you want me is for sex? Is all of this just a damn lie?" He starts to cry again. "What the fuck, Lina? You should've just stayed with John. I always knew I was just a rebound. I can never be enough for you."

These words sting at the heart, or yet what little I have remaining to call a heart. It's more of a black hole by now. "You don't deserve any of this... I do love you. I have since the first day.. You're not a rebound. And even if I made a mistake, I don't want anyone else. I won't do it again, Josh..."

He gets up. And for the first time tonight, he gazes into my eyes. I feel a little better, but it's not enough. I get up and I walk beside him. He stops in the shadows and begins to kiss me, his lips like instant relief. "I'm giving you a chance..... but I swear to God, Lina, if I so much even read a text from this dude, I will be right out that door and I will never ever come back." I only nod as he pulls me in for another kiss.
"You're lucky you stopped me. I was going to walk all the way to the city. And never come back," he says seriously. His hand slips into mine and squeezes my hand tight.